I've spent a lot of time in the past couple of days brooding over the fact that I allow my ex to cause so much strife in my life. It's ridiculous and it has to stop. I have moments when I'm empowered and feel invincible against his verbal barbs and seething glares. Those moments, sadly, are few and far between.
It's ironic that I left him to get away from his belittling and to regain my self-esteem only to find out that it's even harder now because I feel more vulnerable than I did when I was in the relationship. That's not how it was supposed to happen. Not at all.
I have no one to blame but myself. I should let it roll off my shoulders and give thanks once again that I don't have to live with it on a daily basis anymore. He has no power over me. Yet, a big part of me still lives in fear that he does, and that I always need to be on the ready for an attack.
Fuck. I swear I can't think of anything worse than going through a divorce that isn't amicable. I realize amicable divorces are few and far between, but they do happen. I envy those people.
Did I mention that I'm PMSing? (A glorious malady that I've only recently acquired and it is kicking my emotional ass.) I try to keep that in mind as I crumple into tears with each of his verbal onslaughts. But even though I know that during a non-PMS week it would affect me a great deal less, I still feel like my world is crashing down around me.
(Yes, yes, I know I need some therapy. I'm working on it.)
Why, oh why, didn't I listen to my teenage-self say that I wouldn't dream of marrying him for fear that he would turn into his father? Gut instinct, kids. There's something to it.
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2 comments:
Interrupt him on his next tirade to simply say, "I will not accept this kind of talk from you any longer. I left you because of it and I won't tolerate it anymore." If he keeps speaking, hang up.
And call your insurance company back.
Love you.
I agree with S.
I had an amicable divorce, but we didn't have kids. Just kitties.
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