The Wait is Over ...

The letter recipient caught me online today to let me know that he had received my email. I followed up the email in the prior post with another one basically letting him know that I although I'm not ready to hang out with him and his new girl, I would still like to hear from him every so often to check on how he's doing.

To keep in the spirit of revealing all personal details of my life, here is the IM session. We'll hold a discussion afterwards to disseminate it and judge its veracity. Oh, what the hell ... I'll disseminate it as we go.

(3:55:40 PM) him: I got your emails. I understand your feelings. I hope you will be able to deal with them before my wedding at least.

[cough] Wedding?!?!

(3:56:01 PM) me: I have awhile for that, right? :-)

(3:56:12 PM) him: spring '08

??

(3:56:39 PM) me: Sheesh, I would hope so.

Did he really say wedding?

(3:56:49 PM) him: I was wondering what happened to you. I got your text and then nothing

(3:57:04 PM) me: The text about my not coming up?

(3:57:12 PM) him: about not being sure

(3:57:25 PM) him: So I figured you decided not to

(3:57:40 PM) me: I wasn't going to come at all, but then made a last minute decision and got there at 10:30pm on Sunday.

And then I was happily preoccupied.

(3:58:16 PM) me: I think it was my subconscious passive-aggressive way of not having enough time to see you.

It wasn't really subconscious.

(3:58:20 PM) me: I'm sorry.

Sort of.

(3:58:30 PM) me: I didn't think it would be hard, but it is.

(3:58:55 PM) him: its ok. we were dead anyway from the travel the week before

Wah, wah, wah. I want to travel!

(3:59:04 PM) me: So, how are you? How's life?

Can we please change the subject?

(3:59:15 PM) him: I understand. I am the best I have been in years

That's not what I hear!

(3:59:46 PM) me: That's great. Really. I hope you know that I'm not just spewing that out.

I mean I am, but I do wish you happiness most of all.

(4:00:04 PM) him: I realized I was in a depression or something like it for the last few years of my marriage

(4:01:58 PM) me: It's quite probable. It's hard not to fall into a depression if you feel like your creativity, freedom, personality, etc. is being stifled.

(4:02:18 PM) him: Yeah, I just forgot how it felt to be happy

(4:03:05 PM) me: I'm glad you found out how to be happy again.

Holy crap. Is this conversation stilted or what?

(4:03:23 PM) him: I hope you are doing half as well

This is the perfect time to remind him what a pathetic loser I was last winter!

(4:04:49 PM) me: I'm doing pretty well. I'm nervous about the winter coming and falling back into a depression, but I was dealing with a lot last year -- the stalker, surgery, etc.

(4:05:12 PM) me: And I was also weaning myself off of my anti-depressant at the same time. I won't make that same mistake again. I should be okay.

(4:05:48 PM) me: I also got rid of a lot of negative people in my life and I feel pretty good about it. And I feel good about sending you the email. I sat on it for weeks.

A lot is a slight exaggeration, but only because the negative forces I did eliminate felt like ten people each. Live without regrets.

(4:06:51 PM) me: But it needed to be said, and I hoped you would take it in the way it was intended. To let you know that I think you're pretty special and that I just need some time, more than I thought I would, but time none the less.

Hello? You can be real any second now.

(4:08:28 PM) me: Did I lose you? Busy with work?

Or were you just waiting for me to shut up?

(4:08:32 PM) him: I did

(4:08:56 PM) him: I understand and just want you to have time to deal with it so we can move on some day

(4:09:20 PM) me: Thanks.

(4:10:51 PM) me: So, are you still working out of the house? Is [the girl] working? Still traveling a lot? We have months and months and months of stuff to catch up on. It doesn't seem like an IM session is the most practical way to do it, though.

(4:11:09 PM) him: yes working on the house

(4:11:15 PM) him: Been traveling a lot

And then I got a text that his computer froze.

No more wondering, right?

Here's the thing, I know he's lying. I can't figure out why, though. Why would would he feel the need to lie? I hope I'm wrong (again, sort of), but I'm pretty sure that at some point down the road I'm going to hear from him that he was stretching the truth as far as he could without sounding ridiculous.

But you know what? I feel good about the whole thing. I told him how I felt. Whatever happens, happens, but I said my piece and that, in itself, felt good and liberating.

I'm beginning to realize that men aren't the smartest animals on the planet, but I'm sure glad we have them. I do like to partake in men on occasion.